Tonight the Bulls play the Milwaukee Bucks. You may remember them from such games as “that time Pau Gasol was good” and “yesterday”. The Bulls were thoroughly outplayed last night, with a new Niko and Canaan-less bench rotation making little difference as has already been documented on this website. As a result of last night’s shellacking, the Bulls have fallen to 13-12 in games decided by points. Not gonna get it done with those numbers!
The Bulls come in very cold, having lost 5 of their last 7 games since their win over the Cavs on December 2nd. During that stretch, all 5 of the Bulls’ losses have come to teams with worse records than the Bulls. This follows a trend of playing up/down to their competition, as discussed by 538. As the games go by, the preseason doom and gloom predictions about a lack of spacing/shooting have seemingly become more and more accurate. After a hot 3-point shooting stretch to start the year, the “3-alphas” have been a bit more beta, shooting a combined 22.7% (10-44) from three over the team’s last 7 games. And if the alphas are betas, what does that make Bobby Portis? Omicron?
Since I’m assuming you all are up to speed on the Bucks, given that last night’s game was a pretty swell preview for the one tonight (TLDW: Greek Freak good; Bulls no), I thought I’d take a little different approach with my preview here. As you all most certainly possibly know, a new STAR WARS movie came out last night. That got me thinking, with so many random and pointless characters in the Star Wars universe, there must be some who bear some resemblance to a Bulls team also full of random and pointless personalities. Below are my exceedingly scientific findings.
Doug McDermott = Episode 3 Anakin
When Doug was a rookie he kind of sucked. Just like Lil’ Annie in the Phantom Menace. So then we declared Doug’s second year to be a fresh start and his REAL rookie year, similar to how Anakin was recasted in Episode II to give him a fresh start and to make sure Natalie Portman wasn’t having movie-sex with a child. Well, now Doug-akin is in season/episode 3 and this should be his time to shine. He better not suck again….oh wait he’s concussed and obi wan chopped off his legs. Dammit Garpax! Zach Levine had the higher ground!
Robin Lopez = Chewbacca
Taj Gibson = Mace Windu
Nikola Mirotic = Ki-Adi-Mundi
First one is pretty self explanatory. Samuel L. Jackson and Taj share similar round domes. And Ki-Adi looks like a 75 year old Niko. Hopefully, unlike Mr. Mundi, Niko can stick with the team beyond his 3rd movie/season.
Isaiah Canaan = R5D4
Uncle Owen just needed a small droid that could help him work on his moisture evaporators. He wasn’t looking for a fancy R2 unit with gizmos and holograms and secret plans. R5 had ONE JOB and he couldn’t even get that done because he exploded 12 seconds into the scene. Similarly, Isaiah Canaan had ONE JOB: to shoot threes. But instead of doing that, he’s shooting under 27% from three and is now getting DNPs a quarter of the way into the season.
You know what happened when R5 blew up, Isaiah? Uncle Owen had to buy that fancy R2 unit. And then he died. Thanks a lot Isaiah Canaan.
Denzel Valentine = Sebulba
IDK, once I saw it I couldn’t unsee it. Plus Denzel looks like a guy who could have hands for feet.
Rondo = Jar Jar Binks (getting taken off the dribble)
We all knew this was coming. But it goes beyond them both being sucky aliens. When he was a young Gungan, Jar Jar tagged along with Qui Gon Jin (KG), Obi Wan (Paul Pierce), and Padme (Ray Allen) to win the championship of defeating
trade embargosthe Lakers. I mean, they totally won Episode 1 in spite of Jar Jar, not because of him. But instead of everyone realizing that Rondo was just a sidekick/comic relief , he is given way too much credit and somehow parlays that into being named the starting point guard for the imperial senate (Sacramento Kings). Then he ends up ruining everything by giving the Emperor absolute military powers. Fuck you Jar-raj-jar Rondbinks.
Ok, I’m done. If you have any more star wars/bulls comps, post them below. Bulls are on at 7PM on CSN. Tune in to see if Darth Maul (Tony Snell) can beat his former team yet again. Visit this too: Brew Hoop
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